“I hate depressed people.”

I've heard some version of this line so many times I've lost count. But in recent years, I’ve noticed, there’s something newly disturbing about it. There's a sense of self-righteousness, as if the person saying it were standing up for an unpopular cause.

But it’s not. If you go back in time, you can see that the way those with mental illness are treated hasn’t changed much in the last century- we’ve just found sneakier ways to stigmatize it. After all, isn't this the exact same sentiment that was shared by people centuries ago. Isn't this the sentiment that led people to look away when feminists were locked in asylums, when mental illness was used to take away credibility in court?

It is. But now, with a twist.

By blaming mentally ill people who speak about their disease for “wallowing” or “romanticizing their disease”, it just becomes a whole lot easier to look the other way. By misusing phrases like “take responsibility” for your actions, it suddenly becomes acceptable to treat those with illness as if it’s their own fault. “Remember others have it worse”, referencing “real problems,” telling others to “put things into perspective and be grateful” have all become weaponizing advice- taking the context in which these phrases should be followed out.

Image Credit: M. from Unsplash

The truth is that somebody with depression is not wallowing but physically unable to feel lasting pleasure and joy the way a healthy person would. A person with an eating disorder is not vain and self-absorbed but victimized by a horrific disease in which they believe their weight is the source of unrelated problems. A person with anxiety or OCD is not “overthinking” but clinically suffering.

The Just World Hypothesis

However, people enjoy victim blaming so much because it makes us feel a sense of justice- righteousness even- rather than guilt or sympathy. Guilt is, of course, an unpleasant emotion, so it makes sense that we want to find a way to avoid it. But guilt is not a necessary reaction to someone’s suffering either- it is never your responsibility, merely an opportunity to show warmth and consideration.

According to Very Well Mind, the Just World Phenomenon is a coping mechanism employed to rationalize away injustice and misfortune. It allows bystanders to maintain trust in the world as well as not feel obligated toward the suffering persons. We all think this way, it’s just the way we’re wired.

However, when people are unaware of their behavior, this can lead to disastrous consequences. Victim-blaming is the reason 72% or rape victims do not report their crime, and partially why only 4% of rape victims do not get justice. Victim-blaming has been used as a method for leaders to avoid taking responsibility for the problems in their community- poverty, crime rates, low education. By suggesting that people simply choose to wallow in their misery, it becomes so much easier to cut people out of your head.

True, there are always success stories for people from disadvantaged backgrounds, with severe disability or illness, or those who faced discrimination. But for every one of those stories, there are a hundred who did not have the ability to rise up, who are no less special, hardworking, or deserving. After all, people do survive russian roulette. That doesn’t change the fact that the game is incredibly dangerous.

Take the Quiz: Discover Your Ideal Stress-Relieving Hobby

Everyone deals with stress differently, and finding the right hobby can help you relax and unwind. Take this quiz to find out which stress-relievin...

Female Hysteria

Most of the people accused of romanticizing mental illness have been women. Lana Del Rey, Sofia Coppola, Marilyn Monroe. But why?

Women are only 7% more likely to be mentally ill (Agenda Alliance). Part of this can be attributed to toxic masculinity. A man talking openly about his feelings is, of course, still oddly stigmatized in today’s society. But you may notice another connection to the past- a woman’s personality and life is overlooked, used, and, once again, the woman is then blamed for what society does to her image.

The concept of female hysteria is actually rooted in a stereotype that originated in the 1800s. Believe it or not, but this deeply misogynistic diagnosis was rooted in the idea that parts of a female’s anatomy could cause them to become unstable. Even before this, the idea of female pain was always deeply romanticized and sexualized. The idea of a woman’s fragility or tragedy meant that they were able to be saved by men- the plot of every ancient fairy tale.

Being protected, or taken care of, is a basic desire that we all have to some extent. Remember when we were children, and we had nothing to fear? Of course, we all still long for that feeling, for someone to take away our pain, once grown and our parents no longer fulfill that role.

We all have the desire to be protected, maybe even sheltered. This can be stronger for women, or moms, as they are used to doing the caring for the majority of their lives, expected to (Grown and Flown). Furthermore, we all want, or rather need to be loved (Psychology Today). It’s a basic human desire, and women are taught from an early age that being in pain, being delicate, and being fragile is the way to attract men.

“Feminine” occupations, such as ballet, are extremely painful and yet require a show of fragility, not strength. A princess, the woman every girl first aspires to be before they learn who they are, gets the prince by being saved.

This concept was also used to discredit women- women who spoke up, women who were sexually violated, women who wanted to have a voice of their own, were shushed by crying crazy. Husbands in the 19th and 20th centuries institutionalized brides who disobeyed them. In the 1950s, wives were forced to get lobotomies (their brain was surgically altered for “medical purposes”.)

Your brain makes the most neural connections during the first 4 years of your life. The same years girls watch princes kiss princesses awake in their sleep, and old queens being overtaken by their younger and more beautiful stepdaughters.

Edgar Allen Poe was bipolar, an alcoholic, and had hallucinations.

Tolstoy suffered from suicidal thoughts.

Abraham Lincoln suffered from deep depression and suicidal ideations.

And yet, this doesn’t overshadow their story. You don’t hear about this every time someone mentions their accomplishments. Likely, you didn’t even know.

And yet Sylvia Plath is known more for gassing herself with a toaster oven than she is for her writing. Marilyn Monroe is so often described as a Hollywood tragedy.

The truth is, the majority of the time, it is not the creators of content themselves but the media that romanticizes mental instability, particularly in young women and girls. It's always some version of the same story. A young woman, beautiful and desired by men, that seemingly has it all.

Why did she give it all away? Why did she risk it all? The media loves to ignore a woman's life, her personality, instead focusing on her death and what they can get out of it.

Image Credit: Jeremy Yap from Unsplash

Showing Compassion and Having Boundaries

According to Charlie Health, the concept of “trauma dumping”, or sharing about personal struggles in an inappropriate context. However this term, and the term trauma itself, has become widely misused.

Venting and trauma dumping are in no way the same thing, nor should they be treated the same way. Trauma impacts the way you think, it haunts you, it informs every life decision you make from that moment onward. Awake or asleep, it’s always on your mind.

Now, losing a job, a fight with a friend, are obviously distressing and deeply upsetting. But talking to someone about that is not trauma dumping.

Occasionally reaching out to friends for support is also not trauma dumping.

Now let’s talk about the sentiment behind trauma dumping. Now let me make this clear. I will never claim or support this as a healthy coping mechanism. Of course, becoming dependent on other people to validate your feelings does not actually help any of the people involved, but simply provides temporary and ultimately meaningless relief.

But it also isn’t right to villainize someone as an attention seeker, when oftentimes people ask for attention because they need it. If someone has nowhere else to go, nobody to turn to, and does not understand, have or believe in their ability to ask for treatment, it makes sense they would reach out to somebody, doesn’t it? And if they, as many trauma survivors are, constantly invalidated, it makes sense that they would reach out for validation, doesn’t it?

So how do you deal with this kind of situation? How do you deal with somebody who is struggling and seeking validation, but making you feel uncomfortable in the process?

You don’t have to engage. Secondhand traumatic stress is a real thing, and humans are wired to feel empathy when faced with- or hearing about- distressing events. If it’s getting to the stage where you are providing services a therapist would, you can of course, draw a boundary. Treating a person with a mental illness is not your responsibility, but showing compassion and sympathy rather than mockery to what they’re going through is.

“Sad Girl Content"- What Counts as Romanticization?

Recently I came across an article titled, Finding Beauty in the Ugly- How the Media Romanticizes Mental Illness.

The author made several interesting points, however, I felt he was misinformed about much of the media he describes. Accusing Lana Del Rey, Phoebe Bridgers, and the Sad Girl Aesthetic of romanticizing mental illness degrades and simplifies their careers. And accusing people of consciously mimicking mental illnesses to seem “cool” and “heroic” without further information is irresponsible. Unfortunately, his ideas are shared by much of society.

“Sad Girl Content”- heartbreaking, soft music, movies in which girls go insane, books about depression and psychiatric treatment, are often huge coping mechanisms for people with mental health issues. And no, it’s not because depression is cool.

It’s because in a world where psychiatric illness is seen as “crazy” and “psychotic”, these books and songs offer us a medium in which to see our own experiences, without fear of rejection or ridicule. They become a safe haven in which it’s okay to live with our disorders, to struggle with treatment, to struggle with the way the world treats women without having to be strong or angry, without the pressure to do something about it.

Many people with traumatic experiences feel unable to cry or talk about their pain. But they can feel it, express it, when they are other people.

However, there are clear problems with the way we treat mental illness in the media. Women are treated as tragedies and hysterical fragilities, and men are often treated as tough, tortured heroes rather than sufferers of a problem. As the author of Girl in Pieces Kathleen Glasgow said, “Girls get locked up for their problems; guys get record deals.” She goes on to point out that while men get to glorify their problems, they don’t get to get help.

Image Credit: Jefferson Santos from Unsplash

Understanding Mental Illness

You don’t have to have a mental illness to understand and acknowledge the pain that people with mental disorders suffer on a daily basis. This is how several people describe their mental illness.

“When I’m depressed, trying to do anything feels like trying to start a car without gas. It can be as heavy as a boulder or as light to carry around as my fingernail.”

"It feels like a giant weight..It gets heavier and heavier, and a little bit harder to deal with... a little bit harder to carry."

“[Anxiety] feels like a million little bubbles filled with things that could go wrong just pushing on me.”

Having mental illness is a serious, complicated issue, perhaps more so than a physical issue because we are more in tune to our minds than with our bodies. But accusations and blaming does nothing to help anyone, but can seriously harm the people suffering.