We all have people in our lives we aren’t particularly fond of.

While it’s easy to distance ourselves from most, things get messier and possibly even harder when the unlikable person is tied to us by a perilous string of blood, bringing a set of obligations imposed by society. ‘Ghosting’, a practice that Gen Z is so deft at, isn’t the best way to deal with annoying relatives if we want to avoid being treated like an invisible ghost in our own house under the constant taunts and trauma that our parents and grandparents might unconsciously inflict.

Blessed are those who get along equally well with all their extended family members. Most of us don’t have that luxury and find it arduous to sustain a conversation with some members of humongous family gatherings. Some are just too nosey, some too overbearing. Some are too vain, and some bite behind others’ backs as if their life depended on it, making you wonder what they’d say about you in your absence.

So how do we protect ourselves from the ‘toxic-city’ that interactions with some relatives might transport us to? How can we find the sweet spot between being cold and cordial, the former to keep us sane and the latter for our parents’ sake?

Here are some tips to try the next time you’re sucked into the black hole where all time stops and you feel frozen talking with relatives who drain your energy.

Reflect

We don’t wake up one morning suddenly holding grudges against some relatives. It’s not an overnight disappearance of bright feelings, but a gradual transition similar to the diminuendo of the moon from being an illuminated sphere to a speck in the sky, and finally to an incongruous black spot that’s hard to distinguish from other sparsely darkened corners of our minds.

If your goal is to improve relations and to rekindle the brightness that had once been, it’s salient to take a back seat and recollect events that shaped your feelings towards those relatives. What turned? What triggered? Where do the roots of the thorny cacti of your feelings lie?

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Realize

After spending some time indulging in practices like journaling and meditation to unravel from mental murk the first instances of the rotting of your thoughts, it’s time to acknowledge and validate those feelings. Be kind to yourself, sympathize, and find yourself an outlet that can soothe the boiling blood in your veins.

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It’s always a good idea to talk it out. Involve a couple of your friends if you feel comfortable and safe doing so, and they’re sure to make you feel less alone because family drama is something that everyone experiences at some point in their lives.

Now might not be the time to mend things and work up solutions, so stop trying to fill someone else’s cup when yours is dry, empty, and lonely.

Rectify

Once you feel more at peace with your feelings, it’s time to decide if you desire a healthy, improved relationship or if you’re okay with the way things are. If the former, consider confronting your relative in private if you’re confident that they won’t take it the wrong way or portray you as the ‘bad guy’ and spin the tale as they narrate it angrily to other family members.

Remember that it’s always okay to be the family that someone else doesn’t like if that allows you to set boundaries and respect yourself.

People pleasing is so out of fashion, and one of the biggest life skills you can learn is to be happy where you are as long as you have a clear conscience and no regrets.

If you choose to respond to envy, hate, or anger that your relatives might be projecting towards you by treating them as non-existent, ensure you don’t let your feelings towards them ruin the fun you can have in family gatherings with other relatives that you enjoy being with.

Rethink

Be open to the possibility that it might have been you who (knowingly or unknowingly) initiated the spiral of negative emotions or events. We all make mistakes, but not accepting that we made one leads to futile grudges and feelings of resentment. If, during your reflection exercises, you find that you hold heavy feelings towards not one but several people, it might be you who needs a deep clean of the interiors of your mind and heart, sweeping any dirt off of their walls and gifting yourself a sparkle that you didn’t know you needed.

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Conclusion

Dealing with difficult family members can be exhausting. Whether you choose to make things right or to only entertain ‘hellos’ and ‘goodbyes’, do what feels right in your gut and what you think will bring you a sense of long-term calm. You don’t have to be the most liked person in your family, especially not if you don’t see any love or affection coming your way in the first place.

Be confident with your decision, all the while reminding yourself that you don’t need to be as ruthless as the ones mistreating you.

You’re different.

Better.

Kinder.

There’s a softness inside you that deserves to be retained so don’t be afraid to gently chop the string of blood tying you to people who push you away from that softness.

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