A few weeks ago, I found myself with a phone in my hand, canceling plans for the third time in a month. The intense feeling of guilt ran through my body again. I wanted to go, I really did, but I already had other plans.

And then the overthinking phase started: Why can't I just say yes? Am I a bad friend? Why is this so hard for me? (These existential crises always seemed to hit at 2 AM. Not very helpful.)

For most of my life, saying no felt like betraying my friends. I'd apologize awkwardly and make up some absurd excuses, believing that canceling made me look unreliable or, worse, heartless. But I did care. Just not as much as I cared about maintaining my own sense of well-being at the cost of others' time.

As it turns out, I wasn't the only one who was struggling with this. As reported by psychologist Dr. Susan David, a Harvard Medical School psychologist, most of us avoid saying no because of the fear of rejection.

We don't want to be rejected. We don't want to be disapproved of. But here's the thing: not saying no actually damages the very relationships we're trying to protect. Because saying yes to everything might leave us feeling mentally and physically drained.

I realized that every time I said yes to someone else, it meant I was saying no to myself for my own cause. No to rest, no to alone time. So I quit apologizing.

I allowed myself not to always be available. And let me tell you, it felt like a relief.

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What Helped Me Learn to Say No

Recognizing the Problem

Always saying yes, making excuses, and always putting others first might seem like the key to great, lasting relationships, but when it comes to dedicating your own health and well-being to others' needs, then it's self-sacrifice, not kindness.

The hidden danger? You might not even realize it's happening. Putting others first can be such an automatic thing, that you won't even realize your own needs until you reach a breaking point.

Which is why awareness is so important. When you're saying yes to something because you think you should do this, rather than because you want to, it's the start of depleting your energy. Because if you never prioritize yourself, your body and your mind will ultimately force you to. Ignoring your own boundaries for too long can lead to complete burnout, where even the simplest tasks seem overwhelming. Some become exhausted, and others depressed and anxious. And when you do burn out, it takes a lot longer to recover than it would have if you had set boundaries in the first place. By that time, the emotional, mental, or even physical damage might already be affecting your life in ways you never anticipated.

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Baby Steps

The day I changed my approach, I did not go around announcing it to the world. I just started skipping things that didn't excite me, or just because – without any relevant reason. In the beginning, it felt forced, and I dreaded being perceived as someone impolite. But believe me, it paid off later.

By maintaining these simple guidelines, soon enough you'll get a sense of forming boundaries without feeling like work anymore. You'll have the extra time for all your needs, to relax, and to become a better you.

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Conclusion

Now, when I’m asked to do something that I don't want to do, I don’t feel guilty about saying no anymore. I usually replay these words in my mind: I can say no. I can take time for myself. And the people who care for me will know.

Setting boundaries helped me to make space for things (and those individuals) who matter. So the next time you need to cancel plans, draw a boundary, or just say no—remember: it's not selfish. It's self-care. And that’s what makes you a better, happier, and more honest friend, one who has already taken a first step—you’re aware.